Friday, April 11, 2008

Toys from hell.....

At the beginning of time, milliseconds after the big-bang where some fundamental elements were formed, whatever entity that was in charge of causing this looked at the scene of utter chaos and destruction, and said "Jeez I'm bored, what can I do now?"

It decided to create bastard childrens toys.

You would never know these toys exist until you are surrounded by them. At first they just appear, here and there, in your peripheral vision. Next thing you know, while reading the paper you are suddenly trapped by a team of covert plastic, wooden and fabric toys hell bent on making you their servant.

Take for example the Rocking Horse. Cute, white, but the bastard has a habit of making its way silently into the the walkway. Middle of the night while staggering out for that much needed water...step quietly...fumble...whats that? BANG..there's the bastard. During the day it doesnt necessarily get much better. Quite often you will catch a glare from the beady eyes, you know its scheming the next night's raid.

Plastic Train also has goals of undermining you. As usual these toys tend to scatter themselves during the day, at night one of the last jobs is to herd them back into their respective boxes and holes. This bugger has a sense of humour and a hair trigger. Quietly..quietly...pick it up, carry it ever so carefully back to the toy it down, dont flinch...WHOO WHOO!!! CHOOF CHOOF CHOOF...and thats just the start of it. It always seems to sing for a lot longer when you have it in your hands, bending down at the worst possible angle, than when the kid is dragging it around the floor by whatever orifice he can get his hands on (Now you know why toys make such horrible painful noises at times).

Just remember - when you DO finally get all the toys back in the toy box, DONT bump it. All hell breaks loose as the dormant toys spring to life and find they have been cheated out of another night's rampage.

Smokin' Dog. Now here's a lesson for the young kiddies not to smoke. Somehow Smokin' Dog ends up in the toybox. It probably hijacks the Tonka Truck, tosses out the driver and stowes away. Hold his hand and he giggles. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING is more unsettling than a stoned dog the size of a Milo tin, sitting up and giggling at nothing in a middle age yankee voice...oh..and it shakes. Sounds very much like some parties I had whilst at uni. Yeah, the kid loves it - perfect for distractions, but just you wait until the batteries start dying. Funny chuckling shaking dog turns into a 90 year old emphysema patient with the DTs.

Of course there's the usual soft toys that have dirty looks on their faces...well, the ones that HAVE faces. Calamari is a 5 legged blue octopus (yes, I know) with huge white eyes - that glow. He seems harmless enough, but hanging around a bunch of toys that are perfecting their guerilla warfare skills would make any stuffed toy consider escape at all costs.

Even such items like wooden blocks tend to have a mind of their own. Ever woken up with a 2"x4" wooden block lodged in your spine? You will... Its always the blue one. This is the same bugger that sits behind the door, stopping it from closing. It hides. It can take you many minutes of attempted closing of the door and numerous descriptive words for faulty workmanship until turning on the light reveals that same bloody block stuck between the door and your sanity.

(more to follow)


Phil said...

LOL i enjoyed reading that, was hilarious

lucky you don't have stairs in your house :D

Anonymous said...

Actually, he does!!!

Anemone said...
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